2025 Haters’ Guide to the NL Central #4: Chicago Cubs

*Please Note This Is Satire*

I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.

Trash talk has been an integral part of baseball since its inception.

All the way back in 1912, Ty Cobb ran into the crowd during a game to beat up a fan who was yelling some … less than savory things at him.

To be very clear, I don’t condone violence, nor racism, nor ableism. I do, however, support the First Amendment and the inalienable right to talk sh*t.

As a baseball fan, you yourself probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered of Brewers fans has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it’s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to do so as much as possible.

However, if you’re going to talk trash, do it well. Do it effectively.

This guide is for those of you who like talking trash about our division rivals. This is for the Brewers fans who want to make sure that their Cubs fan coworker thinks twice before referring to AmFam Field/The Field Formerly Known As Miller Park as “Wrigley North.” Next time your buddy from college won’t shut up about how great Paul Skenes is, or about how *insert NL Central team here* won a World Series before the Brewers, come back and find this article. I promise it’ll inspire you.

Welcome to the 2025 Haters’ Guide to the NL Central. Finally, the Chicago Cubs:

Chicago Cubs

Owner: Tom Ricketts, the final boss of both finance bros and nepo babies. Cubs fans somehow complain about Ricketts not spending enough, despite spending about $100 million more than the Brewers this season.

Boo hoo, the Cubs only got MVP candidate Kyle Tucker and Shota Imanaga, not Shohei Ohtani. We won the division the last two years, rolling out guys like Thyago Vieira, Jesse Winker (*shudders*), and the reanimated corpse of Dallas Keuchel. Seems like a skill issue to me.

Manager: Ha. Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. I’ve been waiting for this.

Craig Counsell, who as a player tied an MLB record for consecutive hitless at-bats (45). I was actually watching the game where Counsell broke that hitless streak with my father and grandfather.

My grandfather, who would have been 99 this October, was born in Milwaukee all the way back in 1926. He lived in the Milwaukee area his entire life. Grandpa had been a fan of the Brewers since their inception, bringing my father to games at Milwaukee County Stadium despite his minimum wage salary. He had been there for every single Brewers season ever until he passed back in 2018 (RIP, wish he could have seen the run to the NLCS that year).

When Counsell singled, breaking his hitless streak, he received a rousing ovation from the crowd at Miller Park. Even my grandfather, who was always kind of a grumpy guy, clapped. Counsell had the two worst months any major league baseball player has ever had at the plate, and Milwaukee fans, including a man who had been there through it all, stood by him.

He further endeared himself to Brewers fans when he was hired to replace Ron Roenicke in 2015. Counsell finished his tenure as manager of the Brewers with a .531 winning percentage, even falling one game short of the World Series during that 2018 season. He was beloved in Milwaukee.

Then he decided to screw that all up.

Counsell decided to jump ship, a sin that would have been forgivable after years with a small-market team. Counsell was linked to the Mets, a team with the richest owner in baseball (Steve Cohen). It would have been somewhat understandable if Counsell wanted to join them (and former general manager David Stearns). He was incredibly successful with one of the lowest payrolls in the league, in the smallest market in the league. I personally wouldn’t have blamed him for seeing if he could win a World Series with access to Cohen’s checkbook.

Instead, he decided to sign with our hated rivals — the one organization besides the Cardinals that would have turned Brewers fans against him.

Counsell, who still resides in Whitefish Bay during the offseason, put in 10-plus years with Milwaukee as a player and manager. We loved him. Then he decided to blow that all up. Good riddance.

Every boo he’s ever gotten in Milwaukee has been deserved. Chicago’s fans, casuals who only show up to the ballpark because it’s an excuse to drink crappy beer and start fights, will never love him like we did. Kevin Durant is less of a snake.

Yes, I’m still salty about it.

President of Baseball Ops: Jed Hoyer, another Theo Epstein acolyte. Since taking over as President of Baseball Operations (at the end of 2020) through the end of last season, Hoyer has recorded a 311-336 record (.481). The Cubs have failed to make the playoffs in every season since promoting Hoyer. He’s living proof that all you have to do to be successful is know the right people.

The Cubs have a winning record this year, but c’mon. Trading for established stars (Tucker) and signing highly ranked international players doesn’t exactly count as shrewd or analytical. Hoyer traded away three guys for Tucker who are helping the Astros win games this season, and now rumors are spreading that Tucker might not re-sign in Chicago.

Position Players Worth Mentioning: This is the part where I don’t get to be (entirely) snarky and am forced to acknowledge that the Cubs are a really good baseball team this year. Tucker is slashing .284/.395/.547 with nine home runs and a 166 OPS+. Seiya Suzuki has a 132 OPS+ and nine home runs.

Journeyman catcher Carson Kelly, who sports a 92 OPS+ for his 10-year career, is putting up literal Aaron Judge numbers: 253 (!!) OPS+, .517 rOBA, .348 batting average. Suzuki and Tucker are for real, and Kelly will probably have a career-best season. Still, if Kelly finishes the year with a 253 OPS+, I will get the Cubs logo tattooed on my forehead. Hold me to it.

Pete Crow-Armstrong was supposed to be a light-hitting defensive stud, capable of hitting for average and not power. PCA hit 10 home runs and put up 2.3 WAR in 123 games last year. This year? He’s already up to 10 home runs (three against the Brewers), 2.1 WAR, and a 134 OPS+ — 47 points higher than his 2024 mark. So far, the peripherals support Crow-Armstrong’s breakout. He’s rocking a 41.4% hard-hit rate, 36.2% fly ball rate (both career-highs), and a career low 26.7% ground ball rate — he’s hitting the ball in the air and hitting it harder.

I’m hoping he pulls a Jordan and decides he’s accomplished enough in the majors, choosing instead to pursue his dad’s true passion — acting. His mom was also an actor, appearing in Little Big League and Minority Report with Tom Cruise. Fitting, then, that PCA looks like he spent the last 10 years submerged in one of those creepy deprivation tanks from Minority Report. Dude is pale as hell for a guy who works outside.

Chicago also has the corpse of Justin Turner. Turner missed his first couple of years as a professional after being drafted to go fight in Vietnam. I’m kidding, he’s not that old, but you thought about it for a second. Right?

Turner is a playoff legend and was always one of my favorite non-Brewers, at least until he joined the Cubs. He’s clutch and has a massive red beard — what else could you want in an infielder? Justin, please refer to the Terry Francona section. You’re slashing .170/.270/.170 on the year. It’s time, man. Go coach or something if you really want to stay around the game. Just preferably not for the Cubs.

Shortstop Dansby Swanson is hitting .236 with a 104 OPS+ on the season. Serviceable, no doubt. Still makes him the second-best athlete in his marriage. That kid is going first overall in the 2043 draft (sport TBD).

Pitchers Worth Mentioning: Justin Steele, a slightly richer man’s Logan Henderson (you’ll see), is out for the season due to a revision repair of his UCL. Steele annoys me for the same reason Paul George does — he has a podcast. I’d like to think that if I were a professional pitcher, I would spend my time perfecting my craft and/or rehabbing my UCL instead of “talking about how good of a pitcher” I am.

Shota Imanaga, also out (with a hamstring injury), has a career 2.89 ERA since coming over from Japan. I’ve always been a fan of crafty Japanese lefties, so I have nothing bad to say about Imanaga. Chicago doesn’t deserve you.

Matthew Boyd, who has a great season out of nowhere every few years, looks to be doing it again (2.75 ERA). Boyd is their best healthy pitcher right now, so he’d better keep pitching like this. Jameson Taillon beat ball cancer, which sounds like an absolute nightmare. I can’t bring myself to say anything bad about him. I will never truly understand the fortitude and perseverance that it takes not only to beat cancer, but to come back and pitch (well) in the majors.

Former Players Worth Mentioning: I wasn’t going to put this in, but I got inspired by the Cardinals section.

Jesus Carmago, a reliever for the Cubs’ High-A affiliate back in 2021, got 14 years in federal prison after he was pulled over with 21 pounds (!!) of methamphetamine.

I don’t know how many of you have seen Breaking Bad, but that’s half as much meth as Walter White cooks in the famous desert RV scene from the show. According to the show, that amount is worth a little under $350,000 (more in 2021).

Seriously, what is it with Cubs prospects and large-scale drug trafficking? I guess Cubs minor leaguers don’t get paid enough — props to Carmago for making ends meet, I guess?

Patrick Mahomes Sr. pitched for Chicago in 2002. He’s now on probation after a third DUI. I guess if you had to play in front of Cubs fans, you’d become an alcoholic too. Maybe he’s just still celebrating the fact that his son didn’t end up going to a disaster franchise like the Bears. Eight years later. Poor Caleb Williams.

One more note on substance abuse — Cody Bellinger left because the weed in Chicago is terrible. In his words, “I am not high during the games, OK?” I’d start smoking weed too if I had to deal with Cubs fans at half of my games.

The Cubbies traded World Series hero and franchise icon Anthony Rizzo as soon as he started to decline. The mild-mannered Rizzo says it caused “a little bit of anger,” which for most people would constitute a full-on rage-fueled freakout. I don’t even want to think about what “a little bit of anger” means for Addison Russell.

Speaking of Russell, this is a reminder that he’s an abusive piece of sh*t. The Cubs still kept him around until he stopped putting up 2 WAR seasons. He was last seen getting beaned in the face by former Brewer fan favorite Adrian Houser. Thank you, Adrian Houser.

You know who else is a piece of sh*t? The closer on that 2016 World Series team, Aroldis Chapman. Chapman didn’t actually hit his wife, as has been alleged. She wasn’t even home when he shot up his own house to intimidate her. Sounds like a super stable guy. The incident happened right before the Cubs traded for him, because of course it did.

Chicago traded former MVP and ticking time bomb Kris Bryant instead of letting him gracefully retire as a Cubs legend. He was already declining/experiencing back issues as a Cub. Bryant hit .154 this season before going down with yet another injury with the 8-38 Rockies. The Cubs aren’t even the team that got him paid — that was San Francisco. Stay classy, Chicago.

The Ballpark: Miller Park/American Family Field South is one of the oldest, most famous sports stadiums in baseball. In the spirit of a true poverty franchise, Wrigley is known for being the last ballpark to install lights (lazy, cheap) and letting a bunch of ivy vines consume the outfield fence instead of paying some 16-year-old minimum wage to clean it up (lazy, cheap).

Depending on where you sit, you can pay $200-plus for the pleasure of having half the field blocked by a massive beam. Then, if you try to move, the usher will yell at you for sitting in the wrong section and make you go back to staring at the beam for nine innings.

Wrigley happens to be in one of the safest parts of Chicago, where “carjackings and muggings happen (only) on occasion.” I’ve lived in San Francisco, so I guess I can’t really talk.

I do occasionally dream about the Polish hot dog with grilled onions from Wrigley’s concession stand. Really, really good. If you have the disposable income, you can even wash it down with a 16-oz. Bud Light. Price? $13.99.

My favorite ballpark experience in Chicago was seeing Clayton Kershaw go eight shutout innings at whatever the White Sox are calling U.S. Cellular Field now. Thanks, Uncle Chris. If you’re reading this, I still remember that game like it was yesterday. Super fun experience.

The Fans: Pope Leo XIV, newly crowned as the first American pope, is from Chicago! He’s a huge Cubs fan. Wait, what was that? Oh, I guess he’s not.

Pope Leo wants to be very, very clear: he is a White Sox fan, despite what the Cubs’ social media account says.

Leo definitely can’t go see a game at Wrigley now because he’s admitted to being a Sox fan. I know he’s the pope, but — to the average Cubs fan — he loses more points for supporting the Southsiders than he gains for serving as the highest authority in the Catholic Church. Odds are, at least one blackout drunk, belligerent Cubs fan would intentionally spill a drink on him. Or assault him.

I wonder why the Pope wouldn’t want to be associated with Cubs fans? Maybe this? Or this? What about this?

I could keep going, but you get the point. I don’t need to beat a dead horse. Can’t confirm this guy (who literally beat up a horse) is a Cubs fan, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. There’s a reason ABC7 Chicago had to cover that story, despite the incident occurring in Florida (checks out). The average Cubs fan probably doesn’t understand why you shouldn’t beat up a horse.

Also, congrats on being the only franchise where your fans have cost you a playoff game. Steve Bartman is a great example of the average Cubs fan because he’d rather tell his buddies at the bar that he caught a foul ball than watch his team win a baseball game.

The City: When I was a kid, some of my relatives from Wisconsin moved down to Chicago (again, shoutout to Uncle Chris and Aunt Laura!). I’ve visited a few times, stayed in various parts of the city, and have had a great time. It’s actually a pretty great city. The architecture is as impressive as any American city, although I’m also partial to Milwaukee’s famed cream-colored bricks. The food is great, the L sucks but is still one of the better public transit systems in America, and the big metal bean in the Loop takes the prize for the most random and unique tourist attraction I’ve ever seen (tied with the fire-breathing dragon statue in Krakow, Poland).

I know I made a joke up there about the crime rate in Chicago, but honestly, the Chi-Raq stuff is way overblown. Anecdotally, I’ve spent time on the South Side, and it definitely felt safer than when I lived in East Los Angeles. The North Side, especially the nicer parts, felt small-town safe in certain neighborhoods.

My problem with Chicago is that it doesn’t really have anything Milwaukee doesn’t (except for effective mass transit and deep-dish pizza). They have a beautiful Lake Michigan riverwalk, but so does Milwaukee. They’re a city built by and defined by working-class immigrants, but so is Milwaukee. The brats in Milwaukee are better, the beer is better, and the cheese is better. Caramel and cheese popcorn is better when made with Wisconsin cheddar. Chicago has more nightlife, yes, and more people, but I’d take Milwaukee’s bar scene over Chicago’s River North clubs or Wrigleyville bars any day. (Yes, I may be biased.) Milwaukee is also much, much further from Gary, Indiana, which I consider a major plus.

Chicago is basically a bigger, louder, smellier Milwaukee with a superiority complex and significantly more annoying sports fans. Fight me. You’re a Cubs fan, you know you want to.

Next up: Milwaukee Brewers