In a stunning and unprecedented move, the Cincinnati Reds, hopelessly behind the division-leading Milwaukee Brewers and their swarthy Bernie Brewer mascot, decided to end their season with a disappointing 3-3 won/loss mark, calling it a day and ceding the Central Division to Bernie and the Boys. Fan favorite Eugenio Suarez was quoted as saying:
“As a team, we got together after yesterday’s loss to Peetsburgh, took a long look at ourselves, and decided the fans were right: if we can’t beat the snot out of those perennial Central Division basement dwellers from PA every game, what are we doing out here? It’s a shame, too. I was really starting to rake and was looking forward to more postgame chats with my guy, Jeem Day.”
The Nation was in an uproar, despite a respectable .500 record early, and rightfully so. Spokesman for the Nation, RedsFanSometimes said, “There’s no way we should by dumping a series to the Pirates this early, I don’t care how good that Skenes guy is.”
Former FanDuel reporter, the aforementioned Jeem Day, caught up with Joey Votto, who was in town supervising the installation of a beautiful new clock on Crosley Terrace:
“You know, it’s probably for the best. I’ve set the time permanently at 12 o’clock to immortalize the moment the Red’s season struck midnight during this short, but disastrous 2026 campaign. I’m a glass half-full kinda fellow, but even I can read the writing on the wall, even if CB Bucknor cannot.
That’s all I got, Jeem. Now it’s off for a quick round of golf to take a few bucks off Marty Brennaman.”
Said the retired Famer:
“Joey’s MVP trophy doesn’t mean squat out here on the fairways of Coldstream CC. And he can forget riding in the cart with me. He can walk like he always does.
Thom, load my bag into the trunk and bring the car around.”
Caught off guard by the stunning news that the Reds had quit on the season, former St. Louis Cardinal Chris Carpenter was quoted on the MLB Network telling Brian Kenny, “Even if he is 30 years old now, my son is one confused little boy this morning, and that’s all I’m going to say on the subject.”
Despite deciding to call it a season, the Reds will play one last game Sunday against the visiting Savannah Bananas, as a sort of Fan Appreciation Night for a fan base that has had to put up with a lackluster performance for most of 2026. While a fan poll showed that only 4% of the fan base wanted the season to end, a vocal minority held sway. When it was pointed out by the always effervescent and former Reds broadcaster George Grande that the Pittsburgh series was an anomaly in a long 162 game season, and that even a team made up of replacement level players would win almost a third of their games, local podcast guy RedInAbsentia replied:
“What’s an anomaly? Sorry, not buying it. This team was fading faster than a Nick Krall haircut. But, stay tuned to my interview tonight with Katie Blackburn when we discuss the Bengals new championship defense.”
In related news, it’s been rumored that Great American Ballpark has been sold to an unknown buyer from Blue Ash, who intends to reconstruct the 23-year old ballpark next to the already existing Crosley Field restoration. Rumor had it the soon-to-be resurrected park was going to be used for little league games, but Blue Ash city officials put the kibosh on the idea fearing the fences are simply too close for knothole play.
“We aren’t about to ruin the integrity of Knothole Baseball by encouraging cheap home runs,” said an unknown source who refused to be identified.
UPDATE: In late breaking news, manager Terry Francona has reportedly accepted an offer to manage the Boston Red Sox, replacing Alex Cora:
“I can’t really discuss the deal. But I do know this clubhouse has a lot of quality guys who really understand the art of situational hitting, especially with the aid of some trash can lids Alex was kind enough to leave behind. And before you ask, yes, I will be taking the dugout barber stool with me.”
A date for the news conference has not been set.
