Inspirational thought of the week:
Danny Ocean: That ought to do it, don’t you think?
Rusty Ryan: [Stares away in silence]
Danny: You think we need one more?
Rusty: [remains silent with his head leaning on top of his folded arms while hunched over on the bar]
Danny: You think we need one more.
Rusty: [remains silent]
Danny: All right, we’ll get one more.
Rusty: [Blinks]
— “Ocean’s Eleven”
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located beneath a pile of old Rene Ingoglia UMass jerseys, we believe in extending the good times, but also the bad times. That’s why we love Thanksgiving leftovers.
When you go to the ice box Saturday and open that recycled Country Crock container full of what’s left from your Aunt Nancy’s artichoke casserole, it reminds of you of Thanksgiving dinner and the laughs shared around the table with family and friends. But it also reminds you that Aunt Nancy is a bit off-kilter, because there are actually three butter containers packed with her gluten-free artichoke casserole that no one ate because she fills it with sliced grapes.
So, with apologies to Mr. Ingoglia because we don’t want him to run over us the way he did Rhode Island in 1995 or take us down the way he did so many criminals as a member of the Orlando P.D., we have to extend these rankings for one more week, despite the fact that his alma mater went on and did their dirty work early. Like Aunt Nancy, who we’re pretty sure cut up the onions for her casserole a month ahead of time. Thus, Uncle Charlie doing his dirty work to the living room commode the rest of the evening.
With further apologies to former Marshall quarterback Byron Leftwich, Iowa State receiver Dominic Overby, Central Michigan D-lineman Quavion Bird and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 13/pre-Thanksgiving Bottom 10 rankings.
The Minuetmen did indeed do their dirty work ahead of schedule, unleashing their final #MACtion matchup of the season not on Tuesday night, but rather Tuesday afternoon, as they hosted Boiling Green at 4:30 p.m. They lost 45-14, securing their status as the nation’s only winless team and also securing their ability to enjoy their Turkey Day dinner as they sit and watch their would-be Bottom 10 championship rivals helplessly slide backward down the hill like cars trying to drive up Beacon Hill during winter.
Georgia paid the Niners $1.9 million to come to Athens and lose 35-3. Former Georgia defensive coordinator Dan Lanning paid them nothing to change their names to Chattanooga State.
The Panthers saw their losing streak extend to eight games after a road loss to Troy Bolton State. They end their season at Old Dominion, which is the school and not the trucking company or the country music band. Though I would totally watch a music video starring the Georgia State team traveling to face Old Dominion in an Old Dominion truck while listening to the perfect Bottom 10 theme song, Old Dominion’s “Time, Tequila and Therapy.”
The beauty of college football is that even a bummer of a season can be saved by a Rivalry Week victory, and the Cowboys can do that via a big Bedlam win over — checks notes — Iowa State?
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A quick Coveted Fifth Spot reminder that “The Many Lives of Lane Kiffin” is streaming now on the all-new ESPN App. We worked really hard on that E:60 documentary all spring and summer, especially the part when he wonders aloud why he would ever leave Oxford because he and his family are so happy there. When we made that film, we had no idea that, like the onions in Aunt Nancy’s casserole, there was an expiration date.
Speaking of confusing films, the Beavs continue to make the Bottom 10 rankings feel like an early Christopher Nolan movie that continuously alters our beliefs on what constitutes reality. They won two in a row, then lost two in a row, including a defeat at the hands of …
The then-winless Bearkats klipped Oregon State, then konquered Delaware, but kouldn’t keep the wins koming as they sukkumbed to …
The then-second-ranked Blew Raiders blew by the then-ninth-ranked Bearkats 31-17 to win what probably was the season’s final true Pillow Fight Of The Week Of The Year, because this week’s season finale trip to Whew Mexico State isn’t what we thought it might be because the former Bottom 10 stalwart Other Aggies had the audacity to have already won four games, including last week’s win over …
The Minors avoided these rankings all season before reentering one week ago and then reiterating that entry via a closing-seconds 34-31 loss to New Mexico State in the 102nd edition of the Battle of I-10, which is especially impressive considering that I-10 wasn’t constructed until the 1960s.
The Golden Beagles nearly ruined Georgia Tech’s season two weekends ago, then instead had to watch as fellow former Big East member Pitt wound up spinning out the Rambling Wreck. Now BC closes out the year against another Big East refugee, Syracuse, who at the time of this story’s writing, was still surrendering touchdowns to Notre Dame in the South Bend bus parking lot, on the South Bend airport tarmac and in their recurring nightmares.
Waiting List: No-vada, San No-sé State, Pur-don’t, Arkansaw Fightin’ Petrinos, ULM (pronounced “Uhlm”), Colora-duh State, Ram spitting.
