And they’re off …

” Time now for the racing, and we cross live now to commentator, Bill Fetlock.

“Thank you, and welcome to the race course.”

*sounds of horses and tiny little men sitting astride them, many of whom have Irish accents*

“It’s a competitive field for today’s big one. The Queen John Paul II Maiden Handicap Hurdle Chase, brought to you by Bet Sloth – the only company who will give you a free £5 bet if you lose your house and your family because of our addictive app and relentless advertising. Bet Sloth – the betting company that cares.

“The horses are lined up and ready to go. Look at them all, with their sideways eyes and beautiful manes. Bedecked in colours. There’s red and white, and blue and white, some more red and white, and some stripey lads, and one that looks like a sickly child ate a highlighter marker and then vomited it into a glass of slurm.

“This is going to be a tough race. The quality is high, the going is good, and they’re off. And into the lead immediately goes Annie Field, last year’s winner of this one when it was sponsored by Crypto Sloth – the completely made up currency that’s always going to be worth less than what you paid for it.

“They’re galloping up the outside, hooves whizzing like they’ve eaten a bag of speed or, as it’s also known, asthma medication. Can anyone stop them? The race has literally only just begun but it’s clear this is the horse to beat. Ahead by a nose as we come to the first, and although there’s almost a stumble, they get over it well. In the opinion of this humble commentator, who has covered thousands and thousands of races, the other horses should just accept their fate right now. It’s pointless even trying to compete. They’ve just picked up where they left off last year, and the bookies might as well just pay out now such is their dominance in the opening seconds.

“But wait, making a move from behind is Pep In Your Step, wearing number 115, owned by the world famous Sheikh Yor-Booty. You can spot this one a mile away, not just because of the light blue livery, but because of their peculiar choice to use a gigantic viking as a jockey. This sport has seen some changes down the years, but this really is a departure. The big man is in charge here, and he’s urging his mount onwards. This horse is terrified not to obey, and we’re neck and neck heading towards the second.

“The pack is close behind, including Stripey Black Cat, Ground’s Too Small, Giant Hair Leaky Roof, Ange’s Ghost, and Red Army – the perennial underachievers. I tell you, that horse is cursed. If there’s a way to finish second, he will do it. It’s just fundamentally flawed. There is nothing anyone can do about that. The jockey, Galway man Mikey O’Teta, has never won a race in his life, and I can confidently predict that this won’t be the day he does it. It will lose, and nobody can say they weren’t surprised.

“We’re coming up to the third and there’s a stumble by Red Army. What did I tell you? Annie Field surges further ahead with Pep In Your Step just behind. Don’t forget, coverage of this race is brought to you by Visit Oceania – the nation than puts the total in totalitarian, even though it doesn’t need the total at all. They’re always watching.

“Red Army is lagging behind now, but wait … what’s this? There’s a small man in a long coat running alongside the track. He looks like he’s giving instructions as we approach the next jump. Is this some kind of Hurdle Coach? It is! He’s working with the horse to improve its quality in one specific aspect of the race, and Red Army leaps like a mighty gazelle and clears the jump by a country mile.

“The landing is superb, and he’s picked up the pace. He’s catching the leaders as we head towards the water. Today’s water is sponsored by Amazon, allowing our drivers one sip for every 100 packages they deliver. Amazon, you get your shit quickly because we treat our workers like human garbage.

“What a race! What a spectacle! I’ve never known anything like it in my life. Except countless other races which have been very good but this is the only one that matters. Pep In Your Step and Annie Field have balked at the water, and Red Army is out in front. Many will ask questions about whether or not this is fair. They’ve worked on jumping more than any other horse, and are now the best at jumping.

“Is this right and proper in a sport where jumping is a key part of the challenge? In the opinion of this humble commentator, it is not, but for reasons I can’t adequately explain because any attempt to do so would make me sound like an absolute twat. Especially when I’ve said the exact opposite in the past! Oh the humanity.

“But here we are, and with many furlongs still to go, it’s Red Army leading, and I can tell you now this is the horse to beat. I’ve always said it. He’s the absolute favourite, make no mistake. Look at this horse! The bushy tail, the big teeth, the hooves. It’s definitely not a moth.

“If Red Army doesn’t win this race, even though there’s still a long way to go, it will be the biggest shame and disaster in sporting history. Forget those people who flip-flop, telling you it’s all over for Red Army before doing a complete 180 despite the receipts. Come to the stage, come to the stage. Red Army must win, it’s the king of horses. A master stallion. The stud of all studs. I’ve always said it, you can trust me.

“Speaking of which, today’s coverage is brought to you EnCyloPEdAi – the Ai powered encyclopedia which just makes up stuff and then attributes it to renowned paedophiles. Download the app today!

“With most of this race still to go, I hand you back to the studio for an update on the lawn bowls championship being held today at Wembley.”

“Thanks Bill, and in a surprising turn of events, the event has been cancelled after it turned out one of the sponsors was deemed inappropriate. Turns out they were an organisation whose mission was to actually make people’s lives better, and standards have to be upheld. Instead, we’ll give a 20 minute platform to Darth Hatespeech, whose new political party ‘The Empire’, was just formed yesterday …”

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