John Terry opens up on having suicidal thoughts during darkest moment of his career

In a recent interview, John Terry bravely opens up on having suicidal thoughts during the darkest moment of his playing career.

It came after the former Chelsea captain missed a crucial penalty in the 2008 Champions League final against Manchester United.

Terry slipped in the rain, the ball coming back off the post with what would have been the winning spot-kick in the shoot-out, which Man Utd ultimately went on to win after Nicolas Anelka’s later miss.

Back at the team’s Moscow hotel on the 25th floor, Terry looked out the window, and questioned “Why?”, with suicidal thoughts crossing his mind.

Teammates sensed something was wrong, intervened, and took him downstairs for support. The pain from that penalty miss and what followed still haunts him today, tearful when talking about it.

Speaking to Reece Mennie on his podcast, he said: “Looking back, I would have loved at that time to have spoken to someone because I remember after the game, we all went back to the hotel and I was on the 25th floor in Moscow, and I’m just looking out the window just going, “Why? Why?”

“I’m not saying if I had that opportunity that you’d jump, but you know things go through your head at that particular time.

“Then the boys came up and they took me downstairs. It’s those moments that you have the “what if?” You just never know, do you.

“At the time, three or four days later, we went and met up with England so now we’re sitting across the dining table with the Man United players, which was the worst thing ever anyway!

“But then we played America at Wembley and I ended up scoring, I scored a header from outside the box, and just after that I was like, “why couldn’t I just swap that moment for that?

“Still even now today, it goes over in my head. It has softened over the years for sure but I think when you’re playing and you’re churning out game after game, season after season, you compartmentalise it a little bit and put it right to the back.

“But it’s now that I’m retired, I’ve not got that focus of playing every week or playing in front of the supporters and having that buzz, that it really gets me. I still wake up middle of the night and go oh yeah it did happen, and I don’t think that I’ll ever go.”

He also said that Chelsea’s then-assistant manager Ray Wilkins helped support him during what was tough times for terry.

“Ray Wilkins was probably the best for that I’d say, who was assistant manager to Carlo [Ancelotti], that was 2008, the penalty I missed, the penalty against Man United in Moscow. You find out very quickly who your friends are and who the people really care and look out for you are,” he said.

“Ray was the first one on the phone after that game and making sure I was okay, and a few other people.

‘”It’s those moments that really make you realise that friends in football are few and far between. But the real ones at the difficult moments do stand out.”

Opening up on when Wilkins died in 2018, Terry said that he was ‘great person to have around’.

Asked how he manages the pain of missing that penalty, which he still feels to this day, Terry said: “I don’t know. It’s just, get on with it.

“I grew up in a world, certainly from my dad, if he was upset or whatever you get a clip around the ear and you get on with it.

“You get up and you know you go and kick the biggest player and that kind of thing was the mentality back then. Things are different now, which I think is so big in in terms of football.”

HELPLINES FOR SUICIDE PREVENTION AND DEPRESSION

NHS Choices – Suicide

Suicide

Comprehensive help and information from NHS Choices with links to external websites.

The Samaritans

Tel: Free any time, from any phone on 116 123.

samaritans.org

Samaritans is available round the clock, every single day of the year. We provide a safe place for anyone struggling to cope, whoever they are, however they feel, whatever life has done to them. Please call 08457 90 90 90 (UK) 1850 60 90 90 (ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit samaritans.org to find details of the nearest branch.

U can cope!

U can cope

Open Minds Alliance CIC was formally established in 2010. Our belief is that emotional distress, and tragically, suicide, still affects and takes far too many lives. We felt that responsibility for people with suicidal thoughts was seen to lie with specialist mental health services and others were more nervous to get involved. However we knew that early intervention from a colleague, friend, compassionate health provider or care giver could make a real difference to saving lives.

ChildLine

Helpline: 0800 1111

childline.org.uk

ChildLine is a counselling service for children and young people. You can contact ChildLine in these ways: You can phone on 0800 1111, send us an email, have a 1-2-1 chatwith us, send a message to Ask Sam and you can post messages to the ChildLine message boards. You can contact ChildLine about anything – no problem is too big or too small. If you are feeling scared or out of control or just want to talk to someone you can contact ChildLine.

Kooth.com

Kooth.com is an online counselling service that provides vulnerable young people, between the ages of 11 and 25, with advice and support for emotional or mental health problems. Kooth.com offers users a free, confidential, safe and anonymous way to access help.

YoungMinds

Helpline: 0808 802 5544

youngminds.org.uk

Papyrus

Papyrus HOPElineUK – 0800 068 41 41

papyrus-uk.org – I’m worried about someone

Support for those dealing with suicide, depression or emotional distress – particularly teenagers and young adults.

Students Against Depression

Suicide and self-harm

Surviving suicidal thoughts

Students Against Depression is a website offering advice, information, guidance and resources to those affected by low mood, depression and suicidal thinking. Alongside clinically-validated information and resources it presents the experiences, strategies and advice of students themselves – after all, who are better placed to speak to their peers about how depression can be overcome.

Campaign Against Living Miserably

Helpline: 0800 58 58 58

thecalmzone.net

Support for young men under 35 suffering from depression. We believe that if men felt able to ask for and find help when they need it then hundreds of male suicides could be prevented. We believe that there is a cultural barrier preventing men from seeking help as they are expected to be in control at all times, and failure to be seen as such equates to weakness and a loss of masculinity. We’re a campaign for all men, not just ‘service users’. All of us, at one time or another regardless of gender, will hit a crisis and so we could all do with specialist support when things go wrong. CALM is about, for and on behalf of men.

Maytree

Tel: 020 7263 7070

maytree.org.uk

At Maytree, we provide people in the midst of a suicidal crisis with the opportunity for rest and reflection, and give them the opportunity to stay in a calm, safe and relaxed environment. We can support four “guests” at a time. The service runs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Our warm and friendly volunteers and staff team spend up to 77 hours with each guest over their stay, giving them the opportunity to talk through their fears, thoughts and troubles. On leaving, each guest receives a goodbye letter. This is a personal record written by a member of Maytree’s staff team which reflects their stay, validates their struggles and honours their achievements.

For help and information, visit the Mind website