College football Bottom 10 after Week 11: BYU, come on down

Inspirational thought of the week:

I’m riding slow in my PriusAll-leather, tinted windows, you can’t see us!Everybody’s trying to park you can feel the tensionI’m in electric mode, can’t even hear the engineJust then I saw a spot open upMy timing’s perfect! I’m creeping up …But then this other dude try to steal itGoing the wrong way!”Hey man I’ve had a long day!”

It’s getting real in the Whole Foods parking lot!I got my skill and you know it gets sparked a lot

— “It’s Getting Real in the Whole Foods Parking Lot,” DJ Spider

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the massive audio warehouse where Kirk Herbstreit keeps all of the recordings of the “AAAAAWWWWWW”s that people release when they see Peter the dog, we took a look at the calendar hanging on the front of our refrigerator and realized … hang on … we realized that it’s not 2008 like this calendar says … OK … here’s the new one … let’s start over.

We looked at the calendar hanging on the front of our refrigerator and realized there are only three weekends remaining in the 2025 college football season. Or, if you live in the world of #MACtion like we do, only three more weekends plus three more weeks of Tuesday and Wednesday games played between banks of plowed snow.

That means stuff is about to get real. Sure, the hoity-toity top 10 will tell you it’s all about the CFP. But around here, it’s about the BFP, the Bottom 10 Football Playoff. And once we wake up Charlie Weis and get our internet dialed back up, we too shall be shaping up a bracket that shall determine a champion. The real champion. The champion of life. Or, actually, Life. The board game. Where the gold revenge squares give you the option to “sue for damages” with the goal of hitting “retire in style” or “retire to the country to become a philosopher.”

And now it suddenly dawns on us that Brian Kelly and his lawyers must like board games.

With apologies to former Ohio back David Board, former Idaho receiver Tom Gamelin, as well as Georgia State receiver Keron Milton, Air Force lineman Brian Bradley and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 11 Bottom 10 rankings.

The Minuetmen are the nation’s only remaining winless team, but the final three weeks of their #MACtion revenge reunion tour would seem to provide two solid chances to taste victory before tasting the Thanksgiving turkey, beginning with a Wednesday night Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year Mega Bowl visit from Bottom 10 Wait Lister Northern Ill-ugh-noise, which airs at 7 p.m. ET on ESPNU. The ESPN Analytics Ouija board says UMass has a 21.8% chance of victory, its best shot for the rest of the season.

During this week’s traditional post-weekend #Bottom10Lobbying deluge on social media, I heard from a Nevada grad named @mugtang who wrote: “Nevada would lose by 3 touchdowns to UMass! Rank us #1 in the bottom 10. Or would it be #136?” In related news, after reading his tweet, I went to the store, bought some Tang drink mix and drank it from a mug. With rum in it. Like the astronauts used to do.

The Panthers lost last week at Coastal Carolina 40-27. Next, they host Marshall, which is convenient for fans of the Thundering Herd, who could just follow the Georgia State bus as it left town because it is a natural law that at any given time, half the population of West Virginia is at Myrtle Beach.

The Niners travelled Down East to EC-Yew and lost 48-22. In their defense, they weren’t themselves because they were already testing out what it’s like to play covered in bubble wrap and rubber boat bumpers, preparing for their Week 14 trip to Georgia.

Editor’s Picks

Legend has it that after the angel Moroni showed Joseph Smith the golden plates upon which the Mormon Church was founded, he also warned Smith to make sure to heed the oft-forgotten inscription located on the scratched up backside of the plates: “BEWARE THE COVETED FIFTH SPOT LEST IT BITE YOU IN THE BEHIND IN LUBBOCK.”

Sources tell Bottom 10 JortsCenter that BC and UMass are secretly looking to play a Bottom 10 Toilet Bowl title game on Christmas Eve morning, to be held in the parking lot of the Mass Turnpike Natick Service Plaza, sponsored by Dunkin’, D’Angelo’s sandwiches and Vinny’s Vape and Spray Tan. Go Sox.

Hear me out. A reality show where all the college football coaches who have been fired this season meet at a Buffalo Wild Wings and watch games together. Or better yet, they do it at Mike Gundy’s ranch.

It’s always tough when you didn’t know what you wish you’d known at one time, but it felt better because you thought you knew plenty about a time that was still to come, only to see the time still to come not be what you thought you knew and make that first thing you didn’t know at the time feel like even more of a missed unknown opportunity. See: We didn’t realize how big the Week 3 game between MTSU and Nevada was, and now the game we thought was going to be big — MTSU vs. Sam Houston State on Nov. 22 — isn’t as large as it once was. Why?

Because of what the Beavs just did. Or, actually, what they failed to do. The Other OSU spent the first two months of the season in these rankings before departing thanks to two straight wins, over Lafayette and fellow 2Pac members Warshington State. It was like the scene in “The Dark Knight Rises” when Bruce Wayne climbed out of that underground desert prison he’d been banished to by Bane … only this time when he got to the top, Bane was waiting to step on his fingers. And who is Bane in this Batman Bottom 10 metaphor?

(For full Bane effect, read the next lines with your hand cupped over your mouth while doing the accent of a shouting cockney actor who is constipated, while wearing a Bearkats hoodie.) “Kurious how you konkluded this kontrived eskape would be sukcessful, Kaped Krusader! Now we kome for you, Blue Raiders!”

Waiting List: Livin’ on Tulsa Time, Colora-duh State, UTEPid, Arkansaw Fightin’ Petrinos, South Alabama Redundancies, Northern Ill-ugh-noise, billable hours.